As far as family goes, especially in Denmark, I think we are too busy moving out. Too busy growing old and acting independent, concerned about laying the perfect bricks from the very start. Slow down. If your life takes a few messy turns and you need some warm, parental care, go home. If you need support while figuring yourself out or establishing your vision for the future, to act upon that little tingle you have in your stomach, please, by all means, go home. A helping hand doesn't mean you're not standing on your own two feet, or aren’t on the path to doing so. I had to tell myself that during phases where I either didn’t have the clarity or desire to be on my own. I know only a few people that make family touch-downs or stay with them past university age, most of whom are either entrepreneurs or of a mixed background and have a different outlook on family. When I lived in Brazil and Spain, it was wonderful to see how closely families stuck together, and how natural and enjoyable it seemed for young people to maintain base in their family homes. Financial constraint plays an undeniable role, but it certainly was also a value engrained into the culture. I’d argue that our family phase in Denmark is too short, and that moving out later would do us no harm. But this was just an introductory thought. I want to talk about phases in general.
There are many phases that we have to deal with throughout our lives. Given that we can so clearly look around at what our peers are doing, we are applying an immense pressure on ourselves to meet the expectations of what we think our phases should look like. Middle school, high school, gap year, another gap year, university, first job, first apartment solo, second apartment coupled-up, first promotion, ring on finger, a little Timmy boy, a little Sophie girl, and so it goes. Now, I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. We can ride however we want, whether that’s in a clean and conventional style or one that’s slightly more rugged, but I do think we are setting our expectations too rigidly and view them too sequentially. Social acceptance is one hell of a drug, and an easy escape away from the reality that we might want to establish for ourselves. We don’t have enough cultural diversity, nor mixing of that which we have, to make it a socially unacceptable to do such drugs. So we indulge heavily. We stay in the collective lane and enforce the sequence of events that keeps the wheels rolling and the traffic flowing. As we get pulled by traffic and focus our attention on the road ahead, we forget to look around. We have neither time, nor capacity to consider the quirky highway exit. All driving at this consistently high speed, with few twists and turns, does to us, apart from moving us towards our preferred GPS destination in a timely manner, is make us blind. And so, by speeding through our phases, we risk not seeing the signs of danger that might make us crash, and worst of all, not seeing everything we wanted to along the way. And that’s a hell of a bummer.
I also don’t think it’s up for us to decide which phase we are in, and that the sooner we accept that, the more we can grab our current one by the neck and make it ours. Everyone else might be in the career-building phase, and you might be in the fucked up phase. Or in the single as fuck phase, involuntarily and with zero fucking. That’s how it goes, but give zero fucks about it. Its just a phase, and its yours. All that jazz you might be wishing for will come around, but for now, just jam with what you’ve got. It can be thoroughly enjoyable, and highly fruitful to the search of your life’s meaning, to allow yourself a sense of freedom and detachment when some unexpected, break-away-from-the-norm phase arrives. What you shouldn’t do with it, is make it feel like you are behind. That’s a hoax. You will never be in front of, nor behind anyone. Leave that shit at the doorstep, before you snuggle back into your phase. And remember, you don’t need a partner to get romantic. Lit a candle for yourself and put on some sexy music. Do your thing with it. Grind it on the kitchen counter if that’s your thing. Go as far as it pleases you. You’re a hot date, so don’t leave yourself hanging. Watch Soulo if you need inspiration. You’re in the smooth phase now. I got you.
No matter the phase we’re in, we need to be life squeezers. We have to take it and crank every little moment through the juicer and indulge in the sweet, sweet taste of life concentrate. Before you go to work on a dark winter morning, you are going to take that frosty car window which you are frustrated that you have to deal with, place your finger on it and channel your inner Picasso. You are going to draw a dick on it, or something else that lights you up, and you are going to eradicate the misery of the dark winter morning. If you are in doubt of how to handle life, draw a dick. Squeeze it, for fucks sake. Life, that is.
I think there will always be a reason for a specific phase to ensue. Once we’re past it, we will be able to look back at it, and see what led us there, and that will provide tell-tale signs of the person that we are. I had a business phase, and I’m past it, but there is a reason why I had it. It’s given me incredible confidence to build something on my own, and beyond that, going to business school was just a shitload of fun. It was a combination of ambitious, yet lighthearted people, and for that period of my life, it was absolutely where I wanted to be. Learn, explore, have fun. It turned out not to slide me into the right career funnel, but that does not invalidate the value it had, and how it served me in that moment. As someone who didn’t exactly know what he wanted to do after high school, apart from learning and having lots of experiences, business school was a great bet for me. The non-specificity of a business degree was exactly what I needed. I could go out after its completion and do anything, which I nearly forgot in the dizzying job hunt, full of both pressures and temptations to stray away from myself.
We forget how strongly affected we become by our social entanglements, and the degree to which our worldview shapes itself within those boundaries. If an imposed worldview is incompatible with your inner world, you will feel severely restricted, and even claustrophobic. It will likely make you anxious and as time goes on, despaired. But remember, it’s self-imposed. You chose a worldview that isn’t yours, and so you have the power to change it. That’s hard. One of the major difficulties of making a left turn in your life is the untanglement from such. It’s much like dealing with a fishnob. Depending on the severity of the nob, you could sit from dusk till dawn to untie every little braid. It may be worthwhile if you really depend on that fishing line to bring you food on the table, but it might also not be. In that case, there is the clinical option to just cut it. But before you decide on your procedure, you have to figure out the severity of the nob, and the significance of the line. Then you’ll know if you’re a fisherman who just hasn’t yet learned to fish, or if you in fact are meant for the savannah.
What I did to understand myself better through these phases, was analyze the times I took authentic action, independently of other’s people’s opinions. What experiences did that lead to? How did I feel about it? What do I think it says about me? Because, I can tell you, it says a whole lot about us. We will be inclined to have taken a lot of action merely to gain acceptance, which then involved a lot of personal compromise. These actions will say a lot less about who we are. If you make those distinctions between authentic and inauthentic action in your life, the patterns that indicate who you are, and how you should be riding moving forward, will inevitably emerge. But if we’re not attentive and present in the current phases that we’re in, we won’t have much to look back on. And I’m telling you, there is transformative power in the fucked up phase, probably more than in any other phase. Don’t wish for it to happen, but go ahead and embrace it if it does. It means you’re on the right track. I’m fairly convinced of that. You’ll go out and fuck some shit up in the next phase, in a very productive manner, and as a forceful slap in the face to those who may not have believed in you.
Now, go back to whatever phase you came from, and make it yours.
